Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Breastfeeding, Bullies and Births

I find that when it comes to the ongoing debate about breastfeeding that a woman can start to feel bullied by both sides. The pro-formula set tell you that their product is as good as breast milk or second to breast milk and the pro-breast feeders tell you only breast will do. Where I stand on the issue is a bit more complicated and has me feeling like both sides are the school yard bully.

When I was 15 I was pregnant with my first child, I was scared, naive but prepared to do the best I could and face the consequences of my actions. Out of fear I delayed letting people know of my pregnancy and did not get prenatal care until about 6 months along. Once the cat was out of the bag I sought proper care and thankfully everything was fine with my baby but I was another story. I have very severe asthma and at about 7 and a half months I had a very severe attack in which they were worried that my baby was not breathing. I was hospitalized and put on some heavy duty medication for the duration of my pregnancy. No one in the medical field could tell me that what they were giving me for my asthma was safe for my baby, no one would ease my mind. My entire late pregnancy I felt as if my doctors, the hospital where I gave birth (catholic hospital by the way) even when I delivered I felt as if they were punishing me for being so young and setting me up to fail. When I was hospitalized prior to the birth for my asthma attack they put me in a room with a man who was very sick and VERY contagious. He had some weird bowel/intestinal bug and frequently defecated in his bed and moaned constantly. Who puts a pregnant person in a room with someone who is contagious? During my labour they delayed and then 'accidentally' put the epidural in wrong so I had zero freezing, they left me alone in a room with a woman who was completely losing it during her labour to scare me while I was in early stages of labour. Once the baby was born they did not inform me of the state of my baby and made the assumption that I was giving my baby up for adoption and put me on a ward for heart patients without my child. When the 'mix up' was corrected they would not allow me to sleep with my baby, keep my baby in my room at night or even handle my child without supervision. They sent in countless chaplains to 'counsel' me, to pray with me and to try to talk me into doing the right thing. When it came time to feed my child because of the medication I was on they could not tell me how risky it would be for him to breastfeed so out of fear I opted to formula feed. I was 15, on social assistance, a single mom and formula feeding.

Fast forward to my pregnancy with my 5 year old, I was 32, educated, eating wholesome and organic foods with every intention of having a natural birth. I did everything right and found out that he was breech, I was adamant that I would have a natural birth! I went in to have the baby turned by the doctor...the pain was unbearable but I tolerated it with tears in my eyes and hand shaped bruises on my stomach to no success. I then had acupuncture done to turn the baby with some success but he turned back. Turns out he was breech because I had a uterine septum and he could not engage his head so I had a very unnatural C-Section. When it came time to nurse I tried so very hard, I went to the classes they held at the hospital, I went to outside breastfeeding counselling but that baby would NOT nurse. My doctor wanted me to prove to her that my child would not nurse so I proceeded to show her and she said she had never seen a baby fight so hard to NOT breastfeed in her entire career. So,for 8 months I pumped and supplemented with formula. I pumped so often I has blisters, I feel asleep many times with the pump attached only to wake up with sore nipples. I did WHATEVER I could do and still failed so now I was feeling the guilt and pressure of NOT being able to do what I wanted to do so badly. Something must be wrong with me right? When I would bottlefeed I would feel the judgmental eyes on me, I would see the looks passed and I would always get instruction or 'tips' on how to do it because after all that is what they are for and what is best for my baby. I would be a mess of tears and feelings of failure every single time I was given advice or told I must not be doing it right, that bottle feeding with formula was just horrible and why would anyone chose to formula feed.

Move on to my pregnancy with my 3 yr old. Everything did not go as planned but I was able to have a VBAC, I was able to enforce the no clamps or suction rule and I had a beautiful and eager to breastfeed baby boy. He seemed to be a natural, he also seemed insatiable and I was unable to master the left side latch...here we go again I thought. Once again I went to the classes, I went to the local LLL at the hospital, I talked to my doctor and finally after about 4 weeks got help from my friend. She came to my home and taught me how to handle the situation, to solve the very same problem many 'professionals' had failed to do. Yet again, the guilt from the inability to do it right hit me hard.

Many think because breastfeeding is natural that it just comes naturally but that is the furthest thing from the truth for many women. When women feel the need to sabotage someone else's self esteem because they cannot do something or do it as easily as they did it is destructive. It is destructive to be negative about formula feeding when sometimes it is just a necessity. It is destructive to tear at women who formula feeds especially when you have no idea of the circumstances. Yes breast milk IS best, yes it IS more budget friendly and yes it IS more convenient and if given the option I would have for every single baby but circumstances did not afford me that option every single time. Being a bully on either side is not productive it just adds further guilt and shame to an already volatile situation. Sometimes compassion goes a whole lot further, compassion can help relieve the guilt that a mother probably already feels when she is unable to do what is supposed to come naturally.

Now before we get into the advertising of formula or third world countries and formula I would like to stop it before it starts. I would also like to not get into hospitals pushing formula or any issues you may have with to formula companies, the freebies etc. This is solely about the pressures and guilt I felt with the whole situation.

5 comments:

  1. Wow. I'm glad for this post. I have had problems reading the fighting on my pregnancy boards about this issue. While it isn't a problem for me yet, my standpoint is if I have to formula feed to keep my baby healthy, then I damn well will. It's all about doing what you can to provide for your child.

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  2. That being said you understand the pros of breastfeeding from a great many stand points. I was grateful to be able to exclusively nurse Rowan and it was easy on the pocket book. We have an very INTENSE bond, the connectivity between a child and mother is so amazing when you breastfeed. <3

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  3. Well said, there are too many Mom's out there being made to feel guilty for no good reason.

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  4. Great post. I agree with you on many of the points you've made.

    First of all, I want to tell you how sorry I am that you had such a rough time of it with your first baby, and then struggled with breastfeeding your second child. That is just crappy and I am glad you were able to breastfeed your third... it obviously meant a lot to you, and I'm so happy it worked out!

    I think that there are certainly bullies on both sides. My main issue with all of it is that the people who feel GUILTY about formula feeding are not the ones claiming that formula is superior to breastmilk, or making insensitive comments about nursing in public. But these are the people who end up getting bullied by extremists on the lactivist side. You know? I'm sure you can relate to this - like me, you wanted badly to breastfeed and had an awful time of it, and the last thing you needed was someone pouring salt in the wound.

    I often worry that my blog is seen as negative towards breastfeeding, and I swear that is the last thing I would ever want to do. I just feel like someone needs to protect the bullied formula feeders, since the bullied breastfeeders have a fair number of (quite vocal) defenders.

    My hope is that in the future, we can all feed our kids in whatever way we need to or want to without anyone else making us feel inferior for those choices.

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  5. Oh I do, and I fullly plan to breastfeed...I meant that if that isn't an option, then I'll formula feed and not feel a moment of guilt as long as my baby is healthy and happy.

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